i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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