today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
