apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
