...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
