I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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