There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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