I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
