just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
