they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize