clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
