How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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