If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
