I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
