I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Acid is not a monday night drug
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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