so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
