I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
