Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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