So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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