your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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