I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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