Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
