My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
