just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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