i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
