The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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