I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
