something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
