i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
