I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My nipple is on Facebook.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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