I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
