I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize