I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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