Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize