I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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