I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
