oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That accounts for only three of the penises
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
