I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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