You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're like the curious george of whores
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
