Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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