I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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