if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
