3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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