Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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