How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize