i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
