she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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