So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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