i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
