My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
