I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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