I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
