hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize