I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
