dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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