1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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