when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
