Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
