Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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