This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
