I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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