when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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