I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
