She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
